Funny stuff

Dasani is the PT Cruiser of water bottles

In other words, straight flamin’ hot garbage.

Uber has no cars...

Dealers have no cars. Come to think of it, no one has any cars.

This is the new economy.

Three things are certain in life:

  • Death
  • Taxes
  • German cars breaking down

Every week I’m reminded of this.

BMWs are nice and all.

Until your tire bursts on the highway.

And there is no one around to help you.

If I had a dollar for every New Yorker I’ve met who rolls back miles…


I’d have a lot of dollars.

Years ago I met the Founder of Carmax...

First thought that came to my mind:

"Holy sh*t this guy looks like Tim Cook"

When customers are assholes...

I tell my team to pull out the good ol’ Selena Gomez technique:

Kill Em with Kindness.

Worst feeling ever:

When you think you got a great deal on a car at the auction.

Only to realize later on that it’s actually a stick shift.

I like to compare Snow day car shoppers to a Little Caesars Pizza:

Hot and ready to make a purchase.

Every car dealer knows this.

When I was a lot attendant...

I was asked to park a customer's car.

Little did I know,

That the brake pump was disconnected.

The car was declared a total loss shortly thereafter.

You don’t understand scale.

You sell 1 minivan, and then buy 2.

You sell those 2 and buy 4.

8, 16, 32, 64, 128.

Before you know it you’ve opened a dealership.

Congrats, you’re now a billionaire.

You understand scale.

Stocks: Getting crushed.

Wealth: Being destroyed.

2013 Kia Optima: Up 150% YOY.

Everything makes sense.

So you want to be a car dealer?

Customer urinated on the waiting-room couch.

On a Saturday.


4 years ago I had a Spanish sales-guy disappear with a customer.

Found him 10 min later clappin’ cheeks in the back of a PT Cruiser.

Can’t make this shit up.


Roll-up windows:

You, a normal person: “Roll-up windows”

Us, deranged car dealers: “Spanish windows”

Why, you ask?

El Manuàl 🌮

That sales guy that runs up to every customer as soon as they walk on the car lot?

Everyone calls him the lot lizard. 🦎

Welcome to the Car Buyer Cheatsheet
Welcome to the Car Buyer Cheatsheet